Wiggle till it drops

Today I spent probably 3 hours sitting in my back yard just watching the monarch caterpillars and butterflies. The reason I pulled up a chair and just sat there was because two of the caterpillars where in the “J” formation ready to become chrysalis and I have NEVER see this process in real life. First one I missed the first couple of seconds and man does it go fast. The second one I caught from the “beginning" - the point where the outer shell breaks open to be shed and the chrysalis emerges. It was so cool. The shell split right up the middle from the bottom going up. As it wiggled and wiggled around the shell worked it’s way up (like tube socks that fall to your ankles) until it was all crushed into this little bitty pile of black stuff. The chrysalis kept going side to side because it was annoyed that the shell hadn’t fallen away just yet and then when it did final fall the chrysalis calms down and got to the business of the next phase.

I was mesmerized by how annoyed the chrysalis seem by the “former” self. How all at it seemed to want was to get rid of it as quickly as it could.

I tried to catch the first shell as it fell but the wind blew it out of my hand but I caught the second one - did I mention I watched TWO of these today. As it was in my hand it was so lifeless and small. To think just a few minutes ago it was surrounding that “huge” body and now looked liked wadded up tissue paper. Thinking about how annoyed the chrysalis was that it could NOT get it off quick enough made me laugh then it hit!!

How many times in my life have I held on to something that no longer served me? It was annoying the crap out of me but I couldn’t let it go because it was part of me. NOT these chrysalis - at the end they were ready for it to be gone. Maybe that’s it. the shell didn’t seem to bother them too much until the very end. That is when they became very active trying to make it drop away. It was no longer part of them but it was still hanging on literally and they just wanted it gone.

I moved 2 years ago…. but only 20 miles. I thought my life wouldn’t change that much but man has it changed. There is very little I recognize in this current life that is like my former life.

I was at a funeral near my old house and as I was leaving the funeral home I was over come with grief for my old home, my old neighborhood, my old way of life. (All of it was good, so good, so it’s not like I moved to get away from something.) I drove by the old house and my heart sank as I did NOT pull in the driveway and I kept driving. I had been with my old neighbors at the funeral home and it felt so good to be with them but I had to keep going to my new home.

I know I am where I need to be for now but there are things still hanging on that I just need to let drop away. There are friendships (not the ones above) that have been good but I feel like they have run their course and I keep trying to figure out how to make them work and they just don’t. I keep the “shell” of those relationships in my hand trying to figure out how to make it fit the way it use to.

I know that where I am right now is a stepping stone it is not for the rest of my life. It is a good place to be for now but there are still these things I need to let go of.

In addition, October was a very hard month emotionally and sent me in to a grief silence that is different than any other silence I’m use to. I don’t need to talk much and I don’t want to be talked to. I’m content to sit for hours and just observe things. The “grief silences” seems to be lifting and today I enjoyed the silence with caterpillars and chrysalis, with my dog and cat.

Tomorrow might be the final letting gone of one of those shells in my former life. I’m not sure but it sure is bugging me and I need to let it go one way or another.

I’m so glad I had the gift of these lesson today no matter what tomorrow holds.