Weighted blanket of melody
The last several weeks have been super busy. They have been more stressful that I can remember in years because I’ve had two major projects that I’m having to coordinate teams to accomplish. If it would have been just me doing the projects then it would have been much “easier” but much more work. I’m thankful for the support of the teams but mostly thankful it is almost over.
That being said yesterday was the first day of the second event. At this point it is all out of my hands and whatever will happen will happen. THEN I hear from a vendor that they can’t cover the cost of one of the meals and panic sets in - I need to feed 40 people a nice meal in 72 hours and now I have to figure out how to pay for it. Within 30 minutes we have it covered but at this point my anxiety is full blown.
I put on an audiobook a friend recommended trying to distract myself but 15 minutes in I realize I haven’t heard a word it has been saying so I switched over to music. Said friend also introduced me to this artist and I’m in love. I turn on this song and then I notice I’m breathing with the music… and my heart rate is coming down and I just feel better. It is like a weighted blanket for my soul. A couple of other little things came up throughout the day but we handled them and I went back to that song to ground myself in my breath again.
Music has always been the way to my heart. I respond more to music than anything else in my life. I love experiencing it, from floating in the melody to raging with the beat. It bypasses my analytical mind so I can’t filter it, I can only experience it. Often, like yesterday, I don’t even realize what has happened until it has already happened. I have to be careful with music because of its power over me. I’ve learned that going to concerts alone is best because I can fully experience it without feeling the need to filter my experience because of those I’m with. It allows me to get up and leave or linger longer depending on what comes up for me.
I’ve know all this about myself for a long time but only in the last several months have I really begun allow myself to experience, maybe even embrace the visceral experience of the body with it. I often loathe the limitations the physical form of being human has and all the requirements that come with it. However, accepting that experiences like I have with music require the antenna of body is opening my mind to think maybe for now it’s ok to stay in this form. It is challenging me to wonder what else could be experienced in this human form that could be joyful and good. We’ll see…